FYI... I fucking hate the layout of this thing. Am permanently moving to Melo. G'bye, Darkling-ness.

I've not been updating much, and I don't know why.

 

You figure it out.

I knew I shouldn't have bought The Bitch Goddess Notebook. It's like someone opened my sixteen-year-old brain and poured it onto the page. For the first time in aaaages, the blade under my bed seems to be more of a temptation than a memory.

Why does it always, always come down to this. One day I swear, I'm just going to give up.

 

Anyway. Got a lot of overtime at work this week. Hooray! An extra £120 in the bank can't do me any harm, eh? Saving up for many glorious adventures...

 

I really want to dance. Weird. Today I went to the Post Office, sent a little something to Australia, and a slightly larger little something to Charlie. I like to make people smile. And snail mail is a great way to do that. *grins* Then after the Post Office I got my photobooth pics done so I can apply for my provisional (finally!), and then found a gorgeous top in New Look that I purchased with glee. The sun put me in a good mood today. Plus I looked good today. Got many stares. Makes me smile.

 

I love the L Word. Love love love it. Everyone should be made to watch it. And on that note, I leave you.

 

Night!

It's been about six months since I was told that I was special, that I had power, that I was a 'crystal child'. How is it that I never bothered to find out exactly what that meant until now?

 

Everything seems to fall into place now. I read an article by Sharyl Jackson on Crystal Children, and I couldn't believe it - there was a description of me: every single aspect of my personality and my past displayed as categoric signs of a Crystal Child. But it also says that the major wave of Crystal Children came during 2000, and before that there were only a few, and that we pave the way for... well, supposedly for a better future. Just like I'd hoped.

 

I'm sitting on a secret. I finally know what I'm doing with the rest of my life.

 

I'm going to change the world.

So here it is, my darkest hour

And I wrap your words around me

 

You don't KNOW what it's like. This is what I've been reduced to be being sucked in by the hollowness, the void; I'm sitting at home, fucked with an empty bottle of wine by the computer and nobody to share it with. And why? All because my sister decided it was okay to drink my birthday wine. "Is that all?" I hear you cry Well actually no, thats not all. I'm so contained here, so wedged into a space I dont even think I belong in. I can't fit back into the same piece of the puzzle as I did when I left for Uni, because - big news everyone - I changed. A whole lot. Especially in the past year. And I don't fit there anymore.

 

Every morning I wake up, and I wonder why I bothered to open my eyes. Every day I consider just walking out the door, buying a ticket to somewhere, anywhere, and dropping off the face of the earth. Every night I go to sleep dreaming of something - someone - I can't have. And all these secret thoughts, these hidden dreams, are eating away at me whilst I bend and eventually break just trying to fit into this goddamn puzzle that doesn't suit me, doesn't suit me at all.

 

The amount of tears I've cried this evening don't begin to cover it. Usually I can't find the strength to cry. I wonder how I did tonight? It's hard... really difficult... to trust someone. Especially when ever time you're sure of something, it gets taken away, and all you hold faith in is hollow once again. What's left? Tell me, what the fuck is left after you've taken it all from me?

 

Horribly, horribly addicted. Ugh. And stop smirking. :P

 

I had a fantastic birthday, and a fantastic weekend. It was weird being at the party, because I didn't get to spend any great deal of time with any one particular person, but I just danced my ass off and drank far too much. And acted like a spoiled princess, ha ha. Oh dear. I'll never fully regain my reputation after everybody seeing me prance about in a tiara and waving a wand about. *hangs head in shame* But everybody seemed to have a really good time, and a few people came I was pleasantly surprised at. And having my current girlfriend, a couple of exes and a few ex.. er... flings in the same room was not as much of a disaster as I had imagined! Hurrah!

 

Ooh, and I have a sparkly sparkly. *shows gleaming diamond ring on finger*

 

Yep, really couldn't have been a better birthday. I'd ramble but my other journal suffered the brunt of it yesterday, poor thing. I'm 21, but I don't feel it. I... really don't feel it. It seems the older I get, the more I retreat into myself.

 

And also... I have way, way more demons in me than I thought. *sigh* And no more strength to fight them.

 

How can you know me better than I do, already?

 

I'm overtired. Still. My sister had loads of her friends over last night and I'm just... exhausted. Boys are LOUD. And STUPID. Throw rocks at them.

I went to a psychic reading with Dave, one of the owners of Destiny's. It was... interesting. But I guess now I know what I'm doing - I actually have a plan, not one that's going to go down well with a few people, but it's a plan I want, I need. Everything's on hold now. And it's all about me - like it should be.

 

... I really hadn't noticed how unhappy I was.

 

Did I ever mention my eyebrow piercing got ripped out? Yeah... I cried, not because it hurt (because I was drunk), but because I loved that piercing so much. So, to make up for it, I'm going crazy on my hair and designing a new tattoo. A phoenix.

 

Anyway. Have you ever noticed how some stars flicker different colours? My mum said it was something reflecting off of it. My dad couldn't even see it. I think it's either a UFO, or some secret government satellite watching people. Cause sometimes it disappears when it realises you're watching.

 

Look out for it. I'm not making it up, I swear.

Today, the universe hates me.

 

I wake up and I feel awful because I didn't roll back home until quarter past one and I've only had about six hours sleep, so I get ready for work, wear my nice skirt and flip flops because I want to cheer myself up, but I get to the train station and the train doesn't arrive for forty-five minutes - which is only ten minutes before I actually have to be at work. So I get to work, apologise for being late, have the longest day ever in history - we sold loads of stuff in the first two hours then the rest of the day goes really slowly, just me trying to make awkward conversation with Tammy - and towards the end of the day I remind Sharon that she said I could have Saturday off and she said 'oh, no, sorry, I looked at the calendar last night, I hadn't realised it was a Bank Holiday weekend, there's no way you can have it off.' So I try my best not to start crying (took a LOT of effort) and leave work, and am crying before I even get to the end of the high street. As I turn into the train station, my flip flops get caught in the sticky tarmac, almost lose them but luckily it was no match for me - but the bottom of my shoes was coated in this sticky black stuff. So as I'm going up the stairs to the platform, one of my shoes catches on the stair and I stumble and thwack into the concrete - losing a piece of my toenail and a chip of my toe. So now it's all bloody and gross and I can't really walk on it in case I made it bleed more.

 

So I spent two solid hours having a total cryfest/breakdown, and I'm absolutely convinced that this is all to do with that stupid moonstone pendant I bought yesterday. Ever since I put the damn thing around my neck, my life's been out of my hands. And that never happens to me. So, although I really like it, I do have a bad feeling about it, and think I should take it back and ask for a different pentagram - the celtic one was nice.

 

But the universe hates me, and I don't like it!  I was sooo happy...... But, y'know, this just supports my theory that whenever a person is really, burstingly joyful, the universe throws a huge pile of shit at you to even out the balance.

 

I'm so... tired.

If I loved it here before, I love it even more now.

 

Last night I met Ilona, Sooti's other best friend, and I was so relieved that she wasn't the person I was expecting. She was nice, quirky, made an effort to include me in the conversation and... yeah, am very glad! I didn't want to hate her, but I sort of expected her to be this stuck up bitch... Sooti wasn't doing her any favours when he described her as a 'princess', I really thought she'd be totally different! Anyway, we spent an hour or two with her, then she left to go home and me and Sooti went for dinner at, oh my God, the most amazing Chinese resteraunt I have ever been to in my life. I have never tasted Duck Chow Mein like that. I know it's silly to get all excited about this stuff, but hey, I've lived an extremely sheltered and insular life - so, to me, eating with chopsticks at a chic Chinese resteraunt that famous people eat at is a big deal. Yeah... then we went for drinks with some of Sooti's school friends, which was okay, a little dull because they sort of pretended I wasn't there (not that I'm not used to it), then came home and watched some South Park and Everybody Hates Chris before coming up to his room and chatting for a few hours about his lack of girlfriend (as usual), government conspiracies and the impending DOOM that is our lives as graduates.

 

I go home this evening. And I wish I didn't have to. The only thing cheering me up at this present moment is my birthday party. Carries me through the pain of having to leave behind a life I wish I had. And after my party, I'll have Paris. And after that... well, I'm not really thinking about after that just yet. I throw myself once more into the hands of Fate.

 

Ooh, the one bad thing about staying at Sooti's - I haven't had a cup of tea in three days. THREE DAYS!! *dies of shock* My body is hating me now.

 

 

Hello everyone! I am currently sitting at Sooti's laptop in his room in his house in London, and I feel happier than I have in weeks. Even though I'm wearing the same jeans I was yesterday and my hair's a mess and my cold is just icky... I don't know why I'm happy - naturally the most obvious reason is that I missed Sooti and its just good to be with him again; another is that I love London, always have, always will do; another is that his house is the coolest house I have ever stayed in and if I could I'd never leave (they'll have to force me out the door tomorrow); another is that its so nice to be somewhere that I know I won't bump into anyone who knows me, it's almost like I've dropped off the face of the earth. And it's sooo pretty here, last night Sooti took me to one of his favourite bars, the Flask, and we sat outside amongst a myriad of coloured flowers, and when it got dark they turned all these fairy lights and lanterns on!! I wish there was a pub like that anywhere in Kent.

 

Life exists in the real world, you just have to seek it.

 

Am meeting Sooti's other best friend tonight. Hmm. We're having fun today by me changing his MSN tag everytime he's not looking. Then he gets me back by announcing my straightness to the world. Heh. Small things.

 

I don't want to go home tomorrow. :(

 

 

... like I do now.

 

I was promised it would get easier. What the hell did they know.

 

I don't know what I'm doing here. I've been using my real journal for all this stuff. Hiding my weaknesses from the view of the general public. But why should I have to hide? Sooti says he hides his true feelings because he doesn't want anyone to pity him, or to feel responsible for his happiness. I understand, I do - it's what I used to do, and have been trying to keep up. But I'm falling behind now... Because the thing is, I have my perfect job, I have people to talk to if I need them, I'm in good health - things couldn't be more peachy, really. But I'm... not happy. The slightest thing can reduce me to a 'breaking the silence' stylee anger, and I literally have to force my thoughts onto something cheerful so I don't throw breakable things at walls or people's heads... I'm kind of beginning to wonder whether giving up the counselling as early as I did was a great idea. Yes, we dealt with the immediate problem, which was my ex-girlfriend destroying my spirit every second of every day - but I think she knew it was more than just that, whereas I... didn't.

 

I feel like Lancaster was the most beautiful dream - even through the absolute hell that was about half of my third year, and all of my second year, I'd do it all over again just to have my world back. The world where I wasn't this passive, silent pushover to my family, and I wasn't only part of a duo to my friends - it was a world where I became myself, a person in my own right, where I was liked, even loved. Right now, I feel nothing but emptiness. Hollowness. I knew it'd get to me in the end, I just didn't think it'd come so quickly, so swiftly, so painfully. I still feel like I'm waiting. Still. And I don't even know what for...

 

Broken Sonnet - Hale
My December - Linkin Park

I am a Rock - Simon & Garfunkle

Iris - Goo Goo Dolls

She Will Be Loved - Maroon 5

Lullabye - Shawn Mullins

Beautiful Disaster - Kelly Clarkson

Kiss The Rain - Billie Myers

Who Knew - Pink

Gomenasai - Tatu

Tomorrow - Avril Lavigne

Anywhere - Evanescence

Angel - Sarah McLachlan

Time After Time - Eva Cassidy

Mi Mancherai - Josh Groban

Someone tell me the end to this story. I'm tired of trying to write it myself, and always, always getting it wrong.

 

............

 

I'm an instant away from saying something really stupid. *smiles slightly* Give me time, it might slip out of my mouth eventually. Until then, I wait. I don't know what for. Or why. But I wait, regardless.

I absolutely love my new job. Surrounded by twinkly, sparkly, chime-y, beautiful things, with soft relaxing music in the air... although my feet are killing me after being on my feet for nine consecutive hours, I care not, for this job is so fantabulously glorious! Doing my first Sunday tomorrow, woo! I love love love it.

 

Am going to London on Monday to see Sooti. Words can't express how much I've missed him lately, especially with my old stupid anger issues coming back, frustrations and tantrums over various things, and I just miss him giving me a slap back into reality. Besides which, although he's not said as much, I think he's going through a rough time and I want to be there for him. I can't really afford to go, but... I'm worried for both of our mental health if I don't.

 

Also, I think Charlie gets back today. Yay!

 

*sings* Pieces of the puzzle, falling into place, tum ti tum...

 

 

 

 

I'm happy.

 

I wasn't twenty minutes ago.

 

Funny what a few texts can do, isn't it?

 

...I'm still not pleased with the way this blog looks. If I wasn't tempted to switch over to my beautiful hardback journal before, I certainly am now. In fact, I've been updating there almost every night - it feels just like it used to, from the ages of 11 through to 17! In a way I'm glad I've gone back to it... there's something so much more romantic about putting a pen to paper, despite my adoration of the internet and all its offerings. The same way snail mail is so much more appreciated than an email or a text - at least by me anyway.

 

You know, I have a whole wad of letters upstairs that I've written over the years and never sent. To my family, to Claire, to friends - pretty much everyone in my life has at least one. And the thing is - although I'll never, ever send them, I'll never throw them away either.

 

And I have no idea why.

 

G'night, all.

 

Okay, so I've decided to stop complaining. Why bother if nobody hears, nobody cares, and it won't change a damn thing?

 

*smiles* See, I can be positive. *chuckles*

 

Right. So here's a list of things I have to look forward to/am enjoying presently:

 

Happy Birthday, darling Ace.

Right. I'm WELL fucked off now. Look at this, look at my beautiful blog all boxy and square and UGLY! *cries* You've got to be joking... why did they DO this??

 

*huffs*

 

Right. Fuck it. Fucking fuck it. I have been so bloody edgy lately and it's driving me absolutely crazy. This morning I broke down in tears because I discovered a whole pile of photos from my first year that I'd completely forgotten I'd ever taken. I don't even know why I cried. Maybe because then, all I knew was that I was going to Uni, and figure out me and my life whilst I was there. Now I'm out of Uni, and my future's tugging on my arm, asking me to get a move on a make a decision about where I go from here, and I have no idea. No idea AT ALL. How can I even make a decision when... oh, fuck it, what is the point in even talking about this. Let's just say I have two very different dreams, both beautiful in their own way, and I'm trying desperately to find a compromise. And... god, my heart is just aching today.

 

Today. Today. What do I want, today? This is how I should think about things, taking it one day at a time. And still...

 

What I want is for her to be here. Just for a day, even an hour, just to remind myself she's real, she's out there loving me somewhere. To talk to her, to see her smile, to see her eyes staring off into space, thinking all her thoughts that I'd love to know but I'd be content watching her think them. To tell her... oh, I dunno, all the stupid little things that happen in my life that I have nobody to tell. Spend a little more time trying to unravel her mystery.

 

That's what I want today.

 

 

You play the world's most bittersweet songs across the tender tendons of my heart.

 

*sigh* Quit the melodrama, Laura.

 

I never know what to write in here anymore. I get the strongest feeling I should write - especially as I see all you ghosts floating in the background, reading when I post - but I always want to write things so personal and/or poetic that I'd be painted as a total emo kid for the rest of my days. So I get here, knowing I need to offload - but because I don't want my journal to be a never-ending log of my whinings, I flatten my spirit and proceed to report the boring ins and outs of my life.

 

Forgive me for boring the crap out of you, but hopefully now you understand why I do it. I always come here with the intention to write something meaningful. But for now, I guess it stays within until I find a better place for it.